I’m tired…

I think we have all been here at one time or another, I am…tired. I am tired of being the healthy one. The one who is always giving and then, when I finally want to do something really nice for myself it all goes to shit because other people can’t handle me actually doing something they don’t want for me to do.

I am tired of working all the time. And believe me, I tried to take a break…to get away from it for an evening. But that did not work out. I need to buy my own car.

When do I get to do what I want to do? When do I get to be the weak one? Yeah, I know…we all have problems; and I have had the benefit of therapy. But, you know what…that does not give anyone the right to take advantage of my feelings or to hold their mental issues over my head. I still need things…just for me. I still need to be selfish sometimes. And not lip-service selfish, but really truly selfish. I need to be able to do the things I like to do…at least once in a while. I deserve at least that much. I am really fucking tired of not being acknowledged for the things I do.

I am just…tired.

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~ by aikaterine on May 11, 2008.

4 Responses to “I’m tired…”

  1. I perfectly understand what you mean. And I just realized that I don’t have your email address. I wrote an email and then realized the faux pass.

    So I’m sending you my address: .

    And remember: when you’re tired, hug someone you love, like your daughter. :-)

  2. Somehow, the address was edited out by WordPress, am trying again.

    mahendrap at gmail.com.

  3. Aikaterine in every relationship one feels like this at times. Not just marriage, but friendship and relationships with one’s parents and children too.
    One gets fed up, but the feeling passes. The love remains. Working at it is the solution…but then you already know that. You are just venting your secret anguish.

  4. Mahandra,

    I figured that everyone had felt the same thing, humans are not all that different from one another. Your email came through, I sent a response.

    Nita,

    Knowing something is not the same as remembering it when you need to – I am glad that you reminded me. This is the hard part of relationships for me. I appear strong, appear being the operative word in that sentence. I am as strong and as weak as everyone else, but the only people I know who really get that are my parents and my siblings. One of my bipolar symptoms is self-aggrandisement, which carries with it a projection of self-esteem that is not always in-line with how I truly feel. Combine that with the fact that I function well (given all the meds/therapy) and people who do not know me intimately for a long period of time see me as strong, usually stronger than they are. They attach responsibilities and expectations to me, because I am “the strong one” that I cannot possibly live up to. And when I fail to live up to the expectations, well…it all goes downhill.

    It just does not make any sense to me. This idea that any one of us is any weaker than another. We all have weaknesses in our own time, we all have strengths, we all suffer in our own way. But, that is another post.

    Of course, things do work themselves out in the end. And, as you state, so much of making any relationship successful is just sticking the tough times out – surviving them. Working at a solution.

    Fun stuff.

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