It’s just around the bend…

I spend some part of every day waiting for the axe to fall. Wondering when the inevitable will happen. I have been doing this for eight months. Could it be possible that after spending 13 years in therapy and finding the right medications, that I have finally found that magical third addition to my treatment cocktail – an environment that works for me? Don’t get me wrong, I have had down periods. But they have been…less…everything.

Still no thoughts of self harm, still feeling productive – even though I had to take my first year off to get the meds straight. What is going on here?

This illness is insidious, it never lets you go. Even now, as I write this, I am still waiting. I know what can happen. I know that it will probably happen again. But, it has been so long since the last major episode. And every day that goes by makes me wonder a little less, enjoy it a little more. Is this about control? Have I learned to manipulate my environment to suit my weaknesses? Have I finally found the right meds? Am I deluding myself? Am I really worse off than I feel? Am I actually, finally, reasonably healthy?

There is no answer to these questions, not for me. But there is this…

It is his birthday today, and for that I am grateful to the fates. Because, in him, I have found a partner who understands, as much as one can, my illness and the many and varied ways in which it can fuck up our lives together. He experiences it well…he is happy to take the risk…he believes it is worth it, which is more than I can reasonably ask.

So, to him, my King, thank you for that… and for so much more.



~ by aikaterine on April 22, 2008.

2 Responses to “It’s just around the bend…”

  1. I think you shouldn’t wait for it. Maybe you have controlled it. Who knows? Life can be very very kind.

  2. Nita,

    Yes, life can be very kind and very…slippery. I have learned to live life by the minute. The future has been so uncertain that it was pointless to make plans. I focused on enjoying the things in life that did not require commitment. But now it seems possible to build a successful and enjoyable life on that level as well. It is a scary proposition. But, you are right. I shouldn’t wait for the next big breakdown. And I look forward to the day when I don’t.

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