it’s my turn (updated)…

The day has finally come. I now have strange search terms of my own to share.

drown with ejaculate

Well, um… I have heard some very creative ways to bite the big one but this is in a class of it’s own. My advice to you…swallow.

sine magno labore reperiri posset,

To the two searchers who stumbled upon my world via this – I love you. Marry me.

striptease vitamin

Did I miss a new development in the vitamin market? Do you need a vitamin to do this? I am confused.

teach me how to strip to tease

As you wish….

  • Partake of your chosen nectar until you feel nice and tipsy
  • Put on music (if you are stripping for a male the type of music does not really matter)
  • Remove clothing
  • Oh, you should probably dance around a little too. Hope this helps.

    prayer

    To those of you who found this with that search term. Yeah, sorry about that. Pretty sure that wasn’t what you were looking for.

    am drunk and cannot close my eyes

    And so you found me, poor thing. Well, I imagine you were able to close your eyes after spending some time in my world. My good deed for the day is done.

    romantic relationships and bipolar

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. But seriously…
    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    O.k., I have had enough people put this term in that I will say this. Yes, I am bipolar. Yes it is possible to have fulfilling relationships, but it is hard. No, not hard – HARD. Click around on some of the posts under bipolar over there in my wee little right nav. Better than that, check out some of the links under Links I Like, there are other people who talk more about relationships. Or just ask me an anonymous question via comments. There are people around my place who will answer it, if I cannot.

    Update: 08.15.2007

    detailed risk analysis

    Run, run very far away from what you are trying to research. Believe me, I did it for many years. You are not going anywhere good. My proudest moment was when I threw my ARM certification into a big-ass bonfire surrounded by about 150 drunken friends at my “fuck you corporate America” retirement party. Learn from my mistakes. Why are you still here? RUN I told you, save yourself while you have the chance.

    japanese fetishes

    Well Benji, it took…what…3 days for this one to show up. Nice. Dear searcher, google hentai.

    how to blackmail your dentist

    O.K., I’ll bite. Why? Come back internet searcher. Come back and tell me why.

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    ~ by aikaterine on August 14, 2007.

    28 Responses to “it’s my turn (updated)…”

    1. it’s the politeness of the first one I find interesting… but it’s disturbing because it’s a possibility I had never thought of before. What a bizarre talk that would be between the police and their parents.”we’re sorry Mrs. Smith, we did everything we could, but the load was just too huge. And it smelled like asparagus. Nothing about this case has been pretty.”

      How would it be possible, if salvation were ready at hand and could be found without much effort, that it should be neglected by almost all people? But everything which is excellent is as difficult as it is rare…

      Your site’s going to have some interesting and infinitely contrasting search terms.

    2. “Bite the big one,” she says. Oh, it hurts.

    3. The kind of music used when stripping to tease might not be that important, but there’s a few guidelines to take into account before randomly grabbing the nearest CD:

      Rammstein – Only if you’re prepared to spend most of your stripping time taking off the extremely large boots you’ll have to wear to be taken seriously.

      The Smiths – Only if you’re prepared for both you and your target to spend most of your stripping time staring at your respective shoes.

      Iron Butterly – Only if you’re wearing way too many clothes to start with.

      John Cage – Only if you’re planning not to actually take any clothes off, but in a very significant way.

    4. Shit, that first one was good. My best so far was how does a woman masturbate with a gourd. I think that was it?

      Uh huh.

      Personally, drowning in ejaculate would be one of my worst nightmares… And erm…yes, I have…well…yes. Some time ago.

    5. Oh FTS – not only did your response have me laughing, as usual, but you removed the dreaded tooth. This has turned out to be a fabulous day.

      Velinn – I know, well not really, but I know. And how bad would it be to be the guy. Is that something you brag about? Or is it better forgotten?

      EP-
      “John Cage – Only if you’re planning not to actually take any clothes off, but in a very significant way.”

      Hilarious.

      PA-
      That gourd thing was awesome. Painful to think about, but still awesome.

    6. Heh heh, there sure are wierd people out there. I read Gabriel’s search engine terms and found them hilarious too…
      I am now tempted to do a similar post!
      But I sure am glad that no one (except Google) knows who types in what!
      Yeah, I type in some wierd search engines terms too! Once i typed in ‘size of penis’ but actually I wasn’t looking for that, I was looking for a news article on a sex study where they measured the size of the penis. i never found it (the one I was looking for) but I sure did find some interesting sites. :)

    7. Nita –

      I can only imagine the sites you found. You know, an interesting statistic is that pornography is the only business that did not take a huge hit when the .com bubble burst in the early 2000’s.

      So yeah, I bet you learned more than you ever wanted to know.

    8. How does one brag about that? And could you imagine testifying under oath about how exactly she died? It would be horrible if it wasn’t so funny.

    9. Waaaaay off topic: I covered the bubble growing and the bubble bursting… in fact I wrote a story about a company which had just received a few tens of millions in VC money and their only promise was to take orders over the Internet then deliver a white shirt, black socks and black tie anywhere in the US or Canada. No pants. At first it was overnight, but their one-year plan was to have next-hour service in every major city. Fuck I loved reporting during that little Two Trillion Dollar correction.

      Try this… it’s not really ready yet, but what the fuck. I’m trying to keep it separate from my FTS Blogging Empire. Nita has already found it and thinks it’s funny… which, combined with her penis search, is to say I’m starting to see a little warp in Nita. It’s very endearing.

      http://dumbwaiter.wordpress.com

    10. I think I am finally over ‘the tooth’, and thank God, seeing as how you decided to grace the blog world with it’s presence again.

      I left you a note.

    11. velinn –

      I can just picture the media coverage.

    12. Somehow I never get such interesting and entertaining keyword searches. I’m now getting an inferiority complex! :-)

    13. I can only think the searches could be more enlightened if somewhere in there someone found you via tentacle rape, bukake serenade or some other Japanese fetish inspired terms.

      I think it’s great the misguided soles that stumble upon blogs with their oddball searches they think is anonymous.

    14. alkaterine,
      Hi! I bit the Gullet (my short form for Google and Bullet) and came in to see you.
      One recent search term was ‘big scrotum’ (I shagged, sorry, bragged about it in a recent blog).
      BTW: nice blog though you have, why are you insensitive to the visually challenged? Would it hurt the (acknowledgedly impressive) esthetics of this blog if you tweak up the font sizes a bit?
      :-)

    15. Mahendra –

      Just do a post on sex. Insert a few unique phrases and watch the search terms pop up.

      Benji –

      Japanese fetishes are always interesting, and I had forgotten about the term bukake. I am forever in your debt for reintroducing it into my vocabulary.

      Rambodoc –

      Welcome, maybe we can find something to debate about in one of our homes, or we can keep gracing others with our witty banter. And I agree with you on the font size. This theme does not give me the option to change the size of the comments or the left navigation bar, but I finally figured out how to increase it on my posts. Will you take a look at this one again and tell me how it looks on your screen? I increased it a little bit. But I am in total agreement, the comment font is too small. It almost makes me want to self host.

    16. :) Interesting. I get my fair share, so Ive decided to create a separate page for them and keep adding the really interesting ones to the list.

    17. krishashok –

      Welcome, your list is impressive. I have not decided if I am going to add to this list or post a new topic with 5 more. Hm, thinking…

    18. Fuck, I knew I should have put the TM on this… is there a way I can get paid for this? Somehow I just feel like I should be getting paid for this… suddenly I think I can relate to the record companies. Okay, everyone owes me a dime everytime they look at their search engine terms. Just to be cool I’ll only back date it to last month.

    19. whatever (said with California valley girl tone and appropriate hair flippage)

    20. There is no appropriate hair flippage. Ever.

      And damn it, I’ve been running a hosting company for 5 years and obsessing over SEO stats for even longer, before WordPress was even born, so I am damned if I’ll give you a shiny penny seedboy…

      My first blog was at pitas.com back in the summer of ’99 (sing that part…) a few scant weeks before a young pup named blogger set up shop. Strangely pitas.com looks pretty much the same that it ever did but all the blogs seem to be owned by foreign anime fans – curious. I abandoned the pitas blog a few weeks later in favour of my own website and never looked back. I didnt return to actual blog-style blogging until this year, mainly because I was too goddamned depressed to care. I did most of my verbal expulsion onto paper…

      Theres no real control over wordpress hosted blogs. You can pay to edit the css, but, jeez. If you want perfection, you have to do it yourself.

    21. wordpress has me hooked with the blog surfer and my comments section. I loose that with self hosting and it saves so much time.

    22. Okay, I just talked to my accountant… everybody with a blog owes me $30/day they’ve run the blog and, coincidentally, it’s back-dated to 1999. With the change left over from tomorrow’s shopping spree I’m planning on buying Google, then I’m going to find the sick fucks who found my Salted site today with “how to kill yourself without pain” (x4), “how to kill yourself with lithium”, “red looking cut in the gums of my mouth”, “chemotherapy stop rapes”, “how do you deal with wanting to kill you”, and “Viggo Mortensen has fucked Ashley Judd” and you know what I’ll do to the bastards? I’ll slap them. I will. I’ll slap each and every fucking one of them. And I’ll film them while I do it and I will post them on YouTube, because I’ll own that as well. Yeah baby, it’s all coming up Milhouse now.

    23. I want some of what your accountant is smoking.

    24. Yes. Quite. Doesn’t seem like your standard fiscal advice. Are you sure they are a qualified accountant and not some ex-gangster in the witness protection program?

      I have all my regular reads live bookmarked in firefox so i csn check very easily if new posts or comments are in. Or technorati does the same thing as the blog surfer doesn’t it?

      As for comments listing page, well you get that in your self hosted dashboard.

      I know, wordpress is cosy and safe. I understand… the only thing i miss is the avatars, and really, they serve no actual purpose.

    25. “I want some of what your accountant is smoking.”
      Haaaaaaaahhahaha….!
      The font has increased a bit, but needs to come up a bit more (a couple of numbers, maybe). But the text glows out and is quite cool and dark. In this ambience, you could actually set up an adult blog thing, y’know?
      ;-)

    26. Rambodoc –

      Judging from my search terms I already have the adult theme going on somewhere in here. Not sure where. I will increase the font size a little more. It still does look a little small.

    27. Yeah, the ‘fucking’ in the politics post set the mood for a Hillarious next four years! I am itching to see Cigar Bill brief interns!
      :-)

    28. haha, I did not think about that. It will be interesting to see the search terms that come out of my rant.

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