i am not always strong…

Someone once told me that I always appeared strong. So, in fairness, I am going to describe the last few insane hours. I have been nervous about this trip, but in a good way. Last night (well early this morning technically) I found out that someone very close to me is going to meet me in Wales for a couple of days. Well, this is a good thing. It really is. But the change freaked me out in a major way. And it’s not like I am a planner. But this new factor made me so anxious that I paced the floor of my house for four solid hours, literally. My parents kept waking up and asking me what was wrong. And I was so wired that I could not answer. Luckily they are good at telling when I am only ‘slightly mental’ so they just went back to their suite and would check on me every once in a while. I paced and paced and wrung my hands together until I noticed that I was loosing enough skin to need to put antibiotic ointment on my hands. And I honestly have absolutely no reason to be anxious about this – none. Everyone involved is fine with it. I did not have any specific plans that the visit was going to interrupt and I actually want to see this person. But I was pacing the house like a nervous wreck. I finally got an email from someone who managed to deflate my anxiety with a few well said words and all is better now. But still, I felt like I was going to explode for hours and I did not sleep a wink tonight. Which means that I get to force myself to stay awake today so that I do not completely destroy my sleeping pattern. On top of all that my hands are now completely raw and feel like they are on fire.

Well, at least its over.


… from the invisible inside , where I could neither see nor want the very thing that I have always been scared to have revealed on the scanner, by analysis – radiology, echography, endocrinology, hematology – a crural vein expelled my blood outside that I thought beautiful once stored in that bottle under a label that I doubted couldavoid confusion or misappropriation of the vintage, leaving me nothing more to do, the inside of my life exhibiting itself outside , expressing itself before my eyes, absolved without a gesture, dare I say of writing if I compare the pen to a syringe, and I always dream of a pen that wouldbe a syringe, a suction point rather than that very hard weapon with which one must inscribe, incise, choose, calculate, take ink before filtering the inscribable, playing the keyboard on the screen, whereas here, once the vein has been found, no more toil, no responsibility, no risk of bad taste or violence, the blood delivers itself all alone, the inside gives itself up and you can do as you like with it, it’s me but I’m no longer there, for nothing, for nobody , diagnose the worst… -Derrida


~ by aikaterine on August 10, 2007.

6 Responses to “i am not always strong…”

  1. Perhaps mittens would be a good idea?

  2. There can be those times when you don’t want to face someone you know very well. There are those days when you don’t want to meet anyone. There are those weeks you spend in anxiety because you inevitably are going to meet someone in a social setting and you’re not sure if you want to.

    Most of the world doesn’t see you like this, so to them you always appear strong. But there are others who understand you and know the real you. And being strong is not important. Being true to yourself is, and that’s what you are doing. This sometimes helps dissolve the irrational anxiety and be calm.

  3. Glad to hear you got back on track. :) I think its wonderful that you are going to Wales and meeting a close friend.

  4. “And being strong is not important. Being true to yourself is […]”

    Yes, exactly.

    First, “being strong” is a ridiculous Hollywood stereotype to start with. Everyone needs someone. “Being strong” is it’s own form of neurosis; shoving things down until they start manifesting in all sorts of unpredictable ways is anything but healthy.

    Second, we’re us, not them. Their rules don’t apply to us. Since when have we ever done things like “normal” people? Right. So “normal” rules don’t matter. There is no point in comparing yourself to anyone else. We make our own worlds. Sometimes, quite literally.

  5. Oh honey…do try and relax…it will be alright! I promise!

    If it’s not, come to visit me and kick my ass because I said so!

    No seriously, I am sorry that you are going through this but I know…well, I don’t know from inside of you etc…but you will get through it. Good god. Just from what I’ve seen of you no, you are “not always strong” but who on earth is? Nonetheless, again, from the piddly little exchanges we have had you ARE strong.

    This is a completely normal blip on the radar and maybe accepting that will help alleviate some of the anxiety? I don’t know. This is tough–but temporary. Okay? Remember that too.

    I guess until you leave over the next couple of days you could do everything under the sun to keep yourself busy. I know, easier said than done? But the time will pass and eventually you’ll be on your way and you WILL be fine. Should I give you my phone number to call to talk you down *grin*

    But I am concerned. No more bodily injury, okay? Not if you can help it? If anything rock back and forth. I do that sometimes and it’s similar to pacing but you an sit. Another form of self soothing behaviour. You can also rock back and forth standing up if sitting down doesn’t suit or if you maybe need to release more energy? But the ripping off your skin upsets me and I don’t like to hear of you hurting yourself.


    And yes, someone always said that I was always strong too but I’m not so there. We’re both the same. I call your bet and raise you.

  6. Christ you guys are all amazing. It constantly surprises me how much better your words can make me feel.

    And things are better now. I am hoping that was my one and only major anxiety episode. I really can’t express how much it means to me that you guys responded with support. Thank you.

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