risk analysis…

I leave for Wales on the 16th. As the trip looms on the horizon and I begin to face my discomfort with leaving the house, I cannot help but think about risk analysis. Before making beautiful jewelry and studying philosophy I was a risk consultant to fortune 500 and e-commerce companies. I was good, very good. I did cost benefit analysis in my sleep. I could tell a company how to increase profit margins after 30 minutes of looking over their financial statements. The big picture was my world. So why is it hard to transfer that cold ability to rationalize risk to my personal life?

I crave the dance, the moment when my heart skips a beat because something magical has happened. Laughter is the best ROI. Do I even want to start rationalizing my personal choices? Sitting down and making MECE (mutually exclusive, collectively exhaustive) lists, analyzing all possible outcomes of the choice to live life without limitations. I have sheltered myself since being diagnosed, anything and everything that could possibly cause me stress is handled for me by someone else. It is the opposite of my life before diagnosis. And it is not the way I want to live. It has been too long since I have felt my heart pound beneath my flesh, danced in the rain, made love under the sun, got lost in the woods at night without a flashlight. It’s time to let that part of me out of the cage, to take insane risks because that is the only way to experience insane joy.

So no, this discomfort is not going to be fixed by detailed risk analysis. I have to look it in the face and laugh as I walk out the door.

Being / speaks / always and everywhere / throughout / language. – Derrida


~ by aikaterine on August 8, 2007.

10 Responses to “risk analysis…”

  1. go by your feelings and instinct. dont worry so much and think about it too much. you will be fine. don’t even think of it as a risk…but something that is necessary.

  2. in professional life you pretty much know your limits, know what you are capable of…making multi-million dollar decisions sounds complicated, but it really isn’t…its just an ability to make decisions. Its easier to make decisions about other peoples lives. There is no risk to you in business, only to others. When it comes to personal life, there are real immediate emotional and psychological risks involved, and that makes you pause more, and doubt yourself more than you would in your professional life. And so it should. This is your life after all.

  3. Thank you both. I am am definitely viewing this as something necessary. It is too easy to get comfortable letting others live my life for me. I need a jolt to shake me out of the comfort zone I have created. This trip should do it.

  4. Remember how I said I was walking more? In the context it was said in it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but you know that it is in fact, quite a big deal for me. This is how I do it. I open the door, step outside, and run as fast as I can for as long as I can. When I come to a crashing halt the overwhelming urge to turn around and go back overcomes me, but I am both too tired and too far from home to make it all the way back. So my focus switches to getting where I’m going, instead of where I was.

    This trip might be the run you need to get where you want to be.

  5. velinn-

    That is a very good perspective. I am so glad that you shared it. It makes perfect sense.

  6. To me, life has always been about risks. I know that you have sought a type of refuge after your diagnoses and that has been good and necessary as a way to keep you alive and safe in ways but yes, you are right in that you can’t live inside a certain kind of a “bubble.”

    Okay…weird. That word is coming back from another post.

    Anyway, like I said, life is about risks. Or wait. Let’s change that word to: CHANCES. The word risks perhaps sounds too heavy. Maybe they both entail a sense of win/lose or whatever but to me “risk” sounds more dangerous…more negative. “Chance” sounds more adventurous and fun!

    So sure, take a chance on life–the whole beautiful, ugly, wonderful, confusing, insane…keep on going with the adjectives…thing.

    Diagnoses can also be part of the deal–I think they are for a lot of us reading here? Perhaps? Okay, so that just adds some spice to life? But again, you can’t stop living entirely diagnoses or not and again, that entails taking risks…or chances.

    I used to be more wild and crazy and just completely throw caution to the wind and do whatever–when unmedicated or not medicated properly. But you know what? Even though I’m pretty much medicated well enough? I can still take a lot of “chances.” It depends. But if it’s really something you want to do and you’re keen *grin*…just go for it.

    Yes, it might be scary and anxiety provoking and feel as uncomfortable as all hell but only at first. Once you get going you’ll be able to enjoy yourself and when you’re done, boy you’ll say, “Wow, am I ever glad that I did that!”

    I hope that makes sense. I think I need to lie down now.

  7. PA –

    It makes perfect sense. Thank you for the support.

    I can tell you all that I am reading your comments every time things start the get a little ‘hairy’. It is nice to have words from others to calm my nerves a bit and help me to keep the focus on my instincts and not my anxiety.

  8. Everyone has said everything so nicely above, that I can’t add anything more! :-)

  9. Thanks love…sometimes I wonder if I “get it out” right or if I manage to express myself correctly. I fear that I used to be able to do it much better several months ago? Perhaps before we met? I’m still trying but…?

    I’m glad you could make sense of it at least and grasp what I was saying.

  10. Mahendra –

    It’s good to know that you are there.

    PA –

    de nada

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