I finally got some good meditation in, so I am no longer hungry. I was speaking with one of my friends today, who is having some trouble feeling lonely. It is always difficult for me to counsel someone about loneliness, I tend to speak a different language. Identity is a problem. We spend so much time identifying ourselves with the ‘other’, that we become reliant on it. Are you a football fan, a teacher, a mother, a son, a spouse? What happens when things change and the label no longer fits? For people who find their ‘self’ in these ‘others’ – an identity crisis is what happens. And I imagine that this is where loneliness comes from. It comes from not knowing the One – yourself.

One of the most sensual things about electrodynamics is that we never really touch anything. Forces touch, matter does not.

The things going on in the phenomenal world are not important. Do you hate me? Do you want me? It does not matter, what matters is the relationship – how I relate to you. In the end, that is all I have. Everything else is illusion.


hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell. -Sarah Mclachan


~ by aikaterine on August 2, 2007.

22 Responses to “l+one+liness…”

  1. Hmmm. I have a problem with loss. Major abandonment issues so sometimes when people “leave” it’s a very triggery issue.

    Sometimes I deal with it better and move on; sometimes I don’t and find it very difficult to get past these things.

    It is very hard for me when people just “walk away” or “disappear” or won’t talk to me anymore. I always wonder…so many things? I don’t think it’s because of anything that I’ve done. I think I am essentially good and I don’t feel that I’ve hurt the person in any way. It’s happened more times than I can count, really and still does.


  2. PA,

    It always will, we face life’s greatest challenges alone. This is not a bad thing, because alone just means with yourself. Which is not really alone…

    Almost everyone I have ever spoken with feels the same as you, it is very human.

  3. pa –

    Sometimes an image is worth a thousand words. This is why we’re alive. This is why we keep trying. For moments like this.

    Life sucks, especially for people like us, but the hope of moments like that are what keep me going. You can’t keep joy in a box, but you also can’t experience joy if you live in a box. That’s why I keep putting myself out there, even if it feels like I’m stepping in front of a truck every time, because one good memory can erase a world of pain.

    aikaterine –

    That is indeed a very sexy concept. Say, is that a neutrino in your pocket or are you just tending toward entropy?

    Ok, that was horrible. Hopefully someone at least rolled their eyes at my attempt to cheer up a gloomy topic.

  4. Beautiful thought!


  6. Thank you velinn…that is so very kind. Like I said, the thing that fucks me up the most is the inconsistency of it all. I can sometimes walk away from a “loss” and say ,”Ah well…whatever…it was meant to be.” Other times…holy crap…I’ll be an absolute wreck and it will take me who knows how long to recover.

    That’s the bitch of it all.

    But flowers are always nice–even if they die.

    Sorry, PA the eternal cynic *laughing*

    No, really…I don’t mind if someone gives me flowers…or gives me anything really or does anything thoughtful…PA never forgets gifts or gestures and such. The fact that someone even thought of her means mountains!

  7. velinn –

    “because one good memory can erase a world of pain”

    absolutely. And I thought your joke was funny, but I am a bit geeky for the physics.

    darkentries –

    Once again, thank you, for making me laugh. There are two experiences that produce pure mystic bliss for me, laughing is one of them.

    patientanonymous –

    I could get all Buddhist metaphysical here, but I don’t think I will. What I will say is that, for me, my view is very freeing and it allows me to revel in the moments that I share with others. Inconsistency can be difficult, but… Christ… I don’t know how to verbalize this without going all Buddhist on you. So I am going to.

    At the end of the day, there is no inconsistency, because your relationship with the ‘other’ is always constant. Your love flows like an eternal river, there is no end and no beginning, there are no boundaries. And it feeds back into you, the more you visualize that boundary as a little further out, the more it feeds back into you. And the more it feeds back into you, the more you will recognize how constant love is. And then you start to let go of control, you stop trying to grab onto love and hold it, because you realize that it is not going anywhere. The characters who manifest love will come in and out of your life, but it remains.

    Meditating is a good example of control. People try to clear their minds, to find a quite place. But that is not important, you have to let your mind go where it wants to, eventually by giving up control your mind becomes quiet. Once you stop trying to control, things get interesting, but that is for another post – maybe.

    O.K., now everyone can go throw up.

  8. I’m captivated. Not throwing up at all.

  9. Krista –

    Welcome and thanks for the comment. I am cautious of being preachy, that is not the point of this journal. And I can appreciate that these thoughts might sound odd to many people. Which makes them less than helpful.

    I am glad to know that you were not totally put off by them.

  10. I don’t find it preachy at all. Essentially you’re describing the emotional aspect of interconnectedness and the rejection of the greed (both emotional and material) that capitalism tends to breed. It’s a sound argument and is a lifestyle I try to maintain myself as well.

    It could only be taken as preachy because you assign a school of thought to it (buddhism) and those who live by another school of thought (religion) may reject it without understanding it.

  11. What’s helped me the most is realizing that being by myself is not the same as being alone.

    I can reach out to others even if I am by myself. Being alone (to me) means that there isn’t anyone out there for me. And although it might feel like that sometimes, I know it isn’t true.

    I see people commenting on my blog. I see the IMs and emails I get from friends when I haven’t logged on for a couple of days. I see the emails from my Linux tutor. I see the support I get on various forums.

    Errrr… and now I realize this isn’t really on topic. But I’ll post it any way.

  12. velinn,

    great link, my quantum mechanics and quantum theory classes did influence my beliefs in this regard a lot. Even though the were mostly ‘crazy’ math. The implications solidified what I already felt was the right path.

    katm –

    It was on topic, at least to me it was. You are not alone because others are thinking about you, reaching out to you, for whatever reason. I think that is what you meant, is it?

  13. aikaterine, no not preachy at all and I’ve done my share of Buddhist readings–not as much as you, however. But it’s not like we’re competing for a medal.

    Crap, I would never say you were preachy! You can be my Buddhist teacher! I don’t care. Teach me whatever you want to. Buddhism or not.

    I’m going to come back and go through this post when I’m not so stoned out of my mind on Concerta.

  14. haha, how is it working for you, really? Have you noticed any changes today… well of course you have…you said stoned…is it good or bad?

  15. Hey aikaterine…no, good stoned. And not all completely out of my mind stoned. Just pleasantly floating along. One weird thing? When I have a cigarette, I get really lightheaded. What the hell is that all about?! I know there’s some vague risk of cardiac arrest but I don’t think lighting up is going to throw me immediately into myocardial infarction and I’m going to blow up?


    But again, it’s just some more weird lightheadedness–more stonedness.

    I would like to make a post now but I’m really tired. When do the “stimulating” effects kick in? I know it’s early and I need to adjust and probably titrate but I find it funny how pooped I am. It’s supposed to wake me up!

    I’ve been eating a fair bit today? Or trying. I sent an email to someone just now and said, how funny would it be to get a paradoxical reaction where my stim actually gave me an appetite!

  16. well, adderall kicks in fairly quickly. And it is funny, but stimulates will mellow out an ADD person. Exactly the opposite reaction to someone who does not have it. But you will get used to it. And there is a ‘come down’ where you will feel pretty tired as it get close to time to take your next dose.

    I have never smoked, so I do not know about the cigarette thing. You should probably look that up, it might be important.

    The stimulating is different than what you would normally consider stimulating. You will find that you are more mellow, but able to focus on one topic for a longer period of time.

  17. Nicotine is a stimulant as well. Just a guess but stim + stim probably = lightheadedness. Still, it’s always a good idea to do a little research and/or ask someone who actually knows what they’re talking about, unlike myself.

    I really wish I could afford the Adderall. The only thing I’ve been able to try is Strattera and that was awful. I’ve never felt so bad in my life, then I again, I have weird reactions to things. When I was first put on Zoloft I didn’t sleep for 5 days. Finally someone gave me some sort of benzo to knock me out and took the Zoloft away. heh.

    So for now I’m just an unmedicated agoraphobic ADD retard.

  18. velinn –

    Look into active release 20mg tabs. I think the pricing has gone down tremendously since extended release came out.

  19. nicotine is a drug. Drugs affect your brain. Lightheadedness – not that strange a reaction, especially to an occasional smoker.
    I smoked for years, and if I didnt have a cigarette for about 24 hours, the first cigarette would always make me lightheaded, and occasionally nauseous.

  20. Ha, this is turning into an ADD comment section not about the original topic. I did read something about smoking and notifying your physician but again, nothing too specific. I do know that nicotine is a stimulant and a lot of people with ADD do smoke.

    Anyway, the lightheadedness is gone now. So is the stoned feeling. Funny, that. I took it today without food and tummy is not too bad. I was also told that it should kick in fairly quickly (a few days?) as well but again, dosages are different for everyone.

    But to darkentries, if I take a break from smoking even for a few days I always get a buzz–just from the first.

    velinn, I don’t know where you are…countries, prices and that but my one month supply of Concerta was almost $90CDN. That’s pricey. I’m not sure as I haven’t bothered to look at the others but I think my Topamax wins the prize. I have a drug plan though so I don’t have to worry or care…unless I lose my job and then with my cocktail I’ll be right fucked. And Strattera! ACK! If you didn’t see my post about my Concerta Update it just about killed me. For a couple of reasons.

    But back to the original topic, I do understand what you are saying aikaterine–absolutely. It’s just at times I suck at it. Not always, mind you but the problem is rooted in trauma and sometimes it’s very hard to get past certain things. Yes, you can (I suppose?) work at training your mind to try and get past that but when we’re all so bloody nutty in the head I find it can be a struggle.

    I do believe that at times you have to just feel what you feel in “letting go” and that it may take time. Perhaps that is part of letting your mind go where it wants to go even if it is toward some pain and negativity. It takes time to heal. And if you’re not stable and flipping out all over the place about something well, emotions can be running high and it can be harder to get a grip.

    I actually sort of raised this point in a different kind of way in my current outpatient therapy during a CBT session with all of the Cognitive Distortion stuff. People weren’t quite sure what to say but they kind of said that it was a valid point. Sort of like it can be a bit of a process in getting where you need to go?

    I’m not phrasing things right I don’t think. Blah.

  21. PA –

    We both know that these things take time and practice. Undoing all of the crap that traumatized you takes a lot of energy. It sounds like you have got things figured out well.

  22. Thanks. Yes, we are all works in progress.

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