an unfocused moment…

The walk up and down the merciless hills of Clinch Street in Knoxville is killing me. I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. My lungs are aching and my calves are on fire; but my friend’s public art installation is opening at the little park on top of the last hill and I am dying to see it (literally). It’s a balmy 90 degrees, practically tropical for Tennessee. Thank God I grew up in Southern Texas. The 99% humidity and 100 degree August days are paying off. Finally, I see the last hill. Matt calls my name as I begin to climb the blessed incline. About half way up I see the piece for the first time. 14 separate 7 feet tall steel structures are laid out in curved line. Each piece is made up of fire-engine red steel pipes that are joined together to form 3-D shapes vaguely reminiscent of a Tetris game. As I walk closer to the entrance of the park the shapes start to meld together. Something is forming, but I can’t quite see it yet. Matt is coming over to me. I see him smiling, waving, wanting to say something. I move towards him and see it. The chaotic shapes become the word.

“A moment is a concentrated eternity”. Time disappears and the world stops, but there is something heavy inside of me now. Something essential is being coaxed out of me slowly, exquisitely. Like Paganini on a violin. I live for moments like this.

They start simply – a flicker of light, a look, a touch, and a dance. There is always a dance to moments like this, play. I close my eyes and take in the smell, something spicy. It reminds me of midnight in the woods. A candle at the base of a tree lighting the alter to Aphrodite. A small waterfall harmonizes with the wind. My tongue runs across something salty, intoxicating. I think that this is where life begins and ends; in this moment.

I am drowning in the dichotomy of this motion. It’s hard and soft and slow and fast and it hurts beautifully. I ache for it. My throat is constricting and my mouth is getting dry. I can’t breath.

Breathe Catherine, just breathe.

It’s quite again, slow, still drawing me out of myself. Everything I think I am is condensing into a singularity, a moment. Don’t stop.

There is strange comfort in this angry chaos; this screaming silence. Hunger gives way to pain, lust, anger, joy, sadness, pride, love. I’m about to break under this weight; fate.

My soul, my life, and my world are gone. And I can’t feel myself anymore. There is only heaviness at the core of my being and I need release. I need to stop trying. “Drown out the machinery in my head”. I need to disappear, to be devoured. Please.

I feel things tightening around me. Paganini is on the last measure of Rhapsody on a theme and a string breaks. I’m lost now; no longer myself. I am everything and nothing; I have seen the face of God. I am life.

The sun blinds me as I look up to see Matt standing over me with a bottle of water. I must have walked too far, too quickly. I do that.


~ by aikaterine on July 24, 2007.

29 Responses to “an unfocused moment…”

  1. Was this an event that just happened, or not? And what exactly did happen? Just passing out, or more?

  2. I wrote this to describe an experience that I frequently enjoy. Without making the subject matter of the description horribly obvious.

  3. ok.
    I think I’m with you.
    I was confused as to why you were obscuring. I thought it was a stylistic tangent, but I did get quite fuzzy because what initially appeared to be a tale of physical frailty turned into, to me, a fine description of sex…and then back again.
    But, maybe thats just me.
    I get confused.

  4. You are not confused. It is surprising that men get this. A ton of people have read it, and only one female has gotten that this was describing an orgasm.

    I expected for men to be the ones who did not ‘get it’. Why don’t more women get this? It is a question that fascinates and haunts me.

  5. beats me…
    The obvious answer is that sex as an experience has more in common with your average male than woman?
    Or, it could be a communication thing. Maybe you communicate in a way that is more understandable to the male psyche.

  6. hm, interesting points. I hope that I do not not communicate in a way that is more understandable to men. No offense, but I prefer the ‘friend’ company of women.

    Men are wonderful, for a few select things. But every time I have tried to pursue a bonafide friendship with a male it has turned into a painful pile of unwanted romantic feelings.

    So most, if not all, of my friends are female. And I would hate to think that men understand what I have to say better.

    But, maybe women do not experience an orgasm the same way. I wonder if my experience of it is closer to the male experience.

  7. I was kind of going in that direction but then I thought…wait a second…PA, are you correct here or are you just a pervert! *laughing*

    Well, I am a pervert but that’s beside the point.

    And yet I can sometimes be incredibly obtuse so I’m glad I was pretty much on the mark with this one.

    Maybe it had something to do with that searcher and the gourd?

    But seriously, I too have often wondered if men and women orgasm in the same way. It is basically thought that the female orgasm lasts longer than the male. I would tend to agree with this. It might not be by that much with some women but if I think about it…this is definitely true.

    Also, some women do not have as long (if at all) a refractory period and therefore can have another orgasm more quickly. Although I’ve read some conflicting “reports” that some men an have “multiple orgasms” too. Uh huh.

    Men can also ejaculate without having an orgasm.

    But in terms of how it feels between the two genders, I guess no one will ever know for sure…

  8. Oh and that was supposed to be a “can” in there, not “an”…and here’s a good one…well, two:

    There’s also female ejaculation and let’s not forget the G-Spot…

    Just thought I’d toss those into the ring too *grin*

    PA (who is either perverted or just knows about sex/orgasms–or both?)

  9. I think you might have hit on something there. I wonder if the women who have read this immediately thought ‘she’s talking about having an orgasm’ but then their inhibitions came into play and they think ‘no, I am just being perverse’.

    hm, that makes sense to me. I don’t know how I feel about it, but it makes sense. Thank you.

    I would agree that the female orgasm is longer, and that we do not really have a refractory period (doing the happy dance, for the second time today). But I am more interested in how it ‘feels’, men do not write about that.

    And you are not perverted. Women need to get past that, talking about sex and orgasms is not perverted.

  10. Oh, I was just kidding about being perverted…nothing wrong with sex at all. I’ve blogged my share about it, my share for sure! I mean, I got into this whole dating ads/chronicles a while back! HA! People were begging me for all the details.

    And then I went down the road about meeting “My Prospective Mistress”–which I did–so the entire world knows I have a penchant for BDSM and being dominated.

    That can be a little bit different and may not always involve “vanilla” sex but it can so whatever. But I told everyone and keep saying whenever something goes down that pathway in my life and I blog about it, I won’t get into too many details as I don’t want to turn my blog into a p0rn blog.

    I’ve always said, the next best thing to doing it is talking about it! Bring it on! I’ll talk about sex with anyone! I may not do it with anyone hehe (well any woman…let’s get that clear…sorry, no more men anymore!)

  11. breathe PA…breathe ;)

  12. well that is fabulous, because I also love talking about sex. I think that it is a vitally important part of life. And I am happy that there is a woman who will talk about it with me. No offense, guys, I want your input as well.

    But, yay!, I get to talk about sex with a girl. I never could get into the BDSM, certainly not the submissive role. The dominating one was o.k., especially the shoes. Oh how I love black heels and the black tall boots.

  13. Oh, darkentries–haha!

    Oh, aikaterine! First off, we can chat about sex all you want! But the second part…talk about making me need to breathe!

    I guess you could actually call me a “switch” as I’ve messed around with some very simple domination with some guys in the scene during some nights out but…as far as women, no go as in my relationships no one was really interested–in being dominated or in dominating me.

    As far as BDSM…many different angles…not all about inflicting pain and such…blah, blah…misconception. It can be very creative.

    It was funny when I spent some time in the Fetish Scene,we had a joke about the S&M acronym. We used to call it “Stand and Model” for the people that weren’t into anything–just poseurs.

    I used to just hang out with the friends I made and party. Really, there were never any attractive women except for the professionals and are you kidding me? Paying for what I wanted?! PA will never pay for anything sexual or for BDSM.

    It was interesting just to observe, spend time and watch others and and learn more than I already knew–it’s really all about psychology and power. Well, some people take it to a sexual level but some do not. I mean, I could get into more about so many various aspects but it would be a very long comment!

    But anything you want to know…I’m here! And I won’t get into my personal information or “interests” on your blog–nor mine. That’s for separate emailing chats.

  14. I would happily pay for anything, as long as it was worth the money and the person I was paying was happy in their profession ;)

    I think we need to restore the glorious profession of courtesan to its rightful place. Legalise, provide training and certification, and with one fell swoop you would solve a whole load of societal problems.

  15. You know, when I was slightly (hypo)manic, I was going to get a job in a…I don’t know what exactly it was called…some sort of “gentleman’s club” where you would just simply sit and entertain men–Japanese(?) so you were like a North American weird kind of Geisha or something. No sex involved–just sit and have drinks with them and chat them up.

    Supposedly good money.

    I never did it though *laughing*

  16. Well, I think that a healthy sexual relationship is one where each partner can explore roles that they do not live in their normal daily lives. I am a powerful female, always in control. So, in my sexual life I like the male to take the lead. Although I do have moments were I want to take the lead as well. That is the beauty of sexuality, we can switch things up.

    I do have to agree about the courtesan being legalized. There are countries were it is, and the women who I have met seem to enjoy their profession. My doctor once told me that mental and physical health was directly linked to sexual health. Specifically orgasms. He said that we should all be having around 255 orgasms a year. It was the best doctors appointment I have ever had.

  17. 255 sounds about right to me. For the ladies, do multiples count separately or not? I would say not, or that wouldnt be fair really.

    The thought of PA entertaining Japanese men is quite amusing…I don’t think they’d quite know how to take you.

  18. I did not ask him about the multiples, I always took it to mean 255 separate occasions. In any case, it’s nice to know right? Now we can respond to all of those, “is sex really that important?” questions. Well, yes, yes it is.

  19. Yes, a bouncy, crazy bipolar (at the time a bit nutzy) PA trying to mix with the conservative Japanese culture. Uh huh. Well, no matter…PA probably(?) would have toned it down to match.

    255, huh? I’d better get working on that. Not partnered at the moment so…well, probably easier that way anyway. And not every woman can have multiple orgasms. There are some women who can’t even have orgasms at all. Even some that aren’t on head meds that can all do us in at times depending upon which med it might be.

    I’ve wavered on the “Is sex really that important?” question. I mean, if I’m really depressed, I can lose my sex drive altogether so when that happens, the answer is definitely no–at least on a personal scale. Now that I am not partnered, feeling alright and do have a drive…well, eh…it might be nice?

    I’m not going to get all obsessed over it though and start hunting it down. You just can’t. Well, I know I certainly can’t! I can’t just stroll into a bar (ugh) and pick up a woman. Sure, I’ve been fucking around (ha, no pun intended, have a habit of doing that) with an online dating service (ugh again) to try and meet women but it’s been stupid.

    So what do I do? Yes, you know what I do! *laughing*

    But sexual health is definitely good for mental and physical health. And actually, female orgasms are good for physical health as well.

  20. I was interested in finding out if the erm…solo…orgasm counted towards the 255, but I could not find any information breaking it down that way. I think that it should. The study, done by Duke University, found that having 200 orgasms a year reduced your physiologic age by 6 years.

    Of course, we all know the stress relief benefits and what not, but as I was looking around, I found the following:

    In a 2001 follow-up to a Queens University study, researchers focused on cardiovascular health. Their finding? That by having sex three or more times a week, men reduced their risk of heart attack or stroke by half.

    Immediately before orgasm, levels of the hormone oxytocin surge to five times their normal level. This in turn releases endorphins, which alleviate the pain of everything from headache to arthritis to even migraines. In women, sex also prompts production of estrogen, which can reduce the pain of PMS.

    Wilkes University in Pennsylvania says individuals who have sex once or twice a week show 30% higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A, which is known to boost the immune system.

    I also know that there is a chemical in semen that reduces depression, but this is a dangerous statistic. We don’t want women running around having sex without condoms in order to relieve depression. But, if you are in a monogamous relationship with a man (sorry PA), then his semen can liven up your spirits.

    I need a boyfriend.

  21. If thats true I need a boyfriend too.

  22. darkentries –

    Sorry love, it only works on women. Some chemical in the semen releases some other chemical in women. HaHa, I love being a girl.

  23. Oh, don’t apologize for your research findings…I just *spanked* you playfully on my blog so now I’m probably in trouble.

    But I was speaking from cobwebbed research rememberings (and that’s not even a word) of how the female orgasm is physiologically healthy.

    If again the cobwebs can be “de-webbed” it has something to do with the contractions…heh.

    Let’s just say that the vagina can “takes care of itself” naturally but having an orgasm helps things along. Not to be crude but it “keeps things cleansed?” Not that vaginas are dirty! Fuck no! But again, it’s just a physiological thing.

    Again…I can’t dig up formal research right now but it’s basically true.

    I’ve had a few pints and had a great post in mind but I don’t know if I can “pull it off.”

  24. oh, I bet you could. And I think the more we talk about our bodies the better. Maybe women who pop by here might be less inclined to dislike theirs.

  25. There is nothing more sexy than a woman who loves her own body.
    Except maybe Dr Cuddy.

  26. Who is Dr. Cuddy?

  27. google it…sheesh, you want me to do everything for you?

    Me and PA have a little Dr Cuddy fan club going.

  28. Oh my, aren’t we a little testy today? Your so cute when you try to be pissy. Someone needs some chocolate. Or caprice, I seem to recall you mentioning that. Or maybe something else…

    Oh, I see from the show. O.K.. Dr. Cuddy, from House. Fabulous show, love Dr. House. That is sooooo the type of personality I would have. The only other television character I have identified with as much was ‘Kitty’ she was Greg’s mom on the show ‘Darma and Greg’. That is the type of 50 year old I want to be. Always with a martini in hand and wearing Chanel, perfect.

  29. Found it! Found it!

    Oh, it was SO great to stroll through this again…I needed to *laughing*

    Hugs and Kisses,

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